The Mr. Big, Part 2

"I'm not really trying to date anyone" Jake mentioned as we lay on his bed in the morning, after a night that seemed too good to be true. (Usually that wonderful illusion lasts a little longer, but in my case, it was less than 12 hours.) He said it as if it was an "Oh, by the way..." kind of statement.  Or "Let me ruin that high you were on all last night and declare that these last few days is all in your head and more likely than not, nothing will come of it". Mr. Big (#2) had told me about his almost decade-long stint of being in very serious relationships. I should have known. What were the early signs he was looking to "just have fun and meet people"? Let's rewind....I guess it could have begun on that second night of seeing each other, a couple hours before the date, when he casually mentioned to me via text that he promised to meet up with some friends that he never gets a chance to see. I was angry and confused by this. If this was the classic Saturday second date, shouldn't I get him alone to myself for the night?! I didn't qualify for this kind of attention. I wasn't that important. When I receive this kind of message, at least in the past, I take it as a personal defect on my part. It must be me. It must be that I'm not special enough. My anger was erased by me desperately wanting this to work and to prove to him that I was, in fact, worthy of that desired attention. 

After he stated that he did not want to date (despite being on an online dating website) we talked for a long time. I recognized that after coming out of a serious relationship myself just a few months ago, maybe this was for the best. Maybe this not turning into my next relationship would in actuality be better for me. I rose above it as much as I could in that moment and said to myself (and to others that were willing to listen) that "We'll just be friends and have a great connection that could lead to something down the road". My mother even suggested it could be like a "When Harry Met Sally" kind of thing. I would soon realize that when you start out dating someone and viewed them in a romantic way, it's difficult to go back to a friendship, and then possibly forward again to dating. 

In the days following this Saturday night, we talked off and on, and we would try to "hang out" just as friends. I thought we would stick to that, but the first time he came over after we were going to try to be platonic, that plan vanished faster than I had a chance to really think about the consequences.  He came over with a bottle of wine (first ingredient in creating a recipe for disaster) and he paid for the food we ordered in at my apartment. Everything was fuzzy to me. None of my guy friends would have behaved in this way. I thought that maybe he was just being generous, as he's older and he knows I didn't have a full-time job at the time. And maybe he was, but I realized his intentions and desires very quickly. I went to get something from my bedroom and he followed me in. I asked the ridiculous questions "Can I help you?" and "What are you doing?” He didn't say anything. He just began kissing me and blocking the way to the door. I resisted as best and as long as I could, but soon gave in. It was like this drug that I know I shouldn't take, but I just couldn't resist the high of it.

We would continue our best to try to be friends and would fail at it for another month or so. I was confused when I wasn't with him, but completely content when I was. In that short span of time when it was happening, I wanted to believe it could become more, but I knew in the back of my mind, it wouldn't, as least at this moment. After he was out of town for a few weeks and we hadn't seen each other for a while, I went over to his apartment and the connection felt the same. He was making his usual charming comments such as "That dress looks amazing on you" as I sat on his couch talking. But I could tell it was different. It was if we were both on the ledge of a building, me ready to jump, and him dangling his feet off the edge. He never decided to take that jump. That was it. The window of time came and went for us, at least in this chapter. And he didn't want it. And when a man can't jump with you, it will never be. 

The Mr. Big, Part 1

To all the Sex & the City fans...you know this man is irresistible. He is charming and confident. We crumble at his smoothness and his alpha-dog character. Time after time, we are victim of it. I dated two very similar men, who fit this description to a tee. One was over two years ago; the other was a few months ago. Why didn't I pick up on this until after both "relationships" were done? Well, I will say that we tend to only notice those kinds of details until after the events already occur.

The first man, who I will call Max, was a few years older, career-oriented, and cocky. He was cocky for an unknown reason because he could have doubled as a possible horse jockey. (I must remember in New York, height requirements for some women are less particular, but not for me.) Going into this, I knew it wouldn't have worked, because at the time I was in my last year living in a college dorm and he was living in Connecticut at the time. Once, he even had the chutzpah to criticize where my dormitory was in the city, stating "I don't go above 86th street", even though he lived in Connecticut. I guess he had never looked at a map to realize that Connecticut was much farther north than East 86th street. There were so many other red flags of his arrogance and selfishness. We would have plans for a date and he would cancel hours before. Once he even canceled, and since it was the second time he did that, I was very upset with him. Then, he called back an hour later saying it was back on, only to call a third time later on, saying in fact, he couldn't make it. Why he couldn't make it, I never really understood. What I did understand was that he didn't care enough to actually see me in person. Our "dating" was reduced to IM chatting and talking on the phone. As a fresh 21-year old I didn't know this would lead to nothing. If a man doesn't want to spend time with you, it's a safe assumption to make that he's probably not that interested in it going anywhere. About a week or two later, he told me he needed to focus on his new job and he couldn't do that while dating someone.

Two years go by, and the next Mr. Big makes his first appearance. He will be referred to as Jake. Oh, was he alluring and intoxicating. The first time I ever spoke to him (which was on the phone), we talked for over four hours. It was like talking to an old friend who you really wanted to sleep with. We met the next night. The way he looked, the way he smelled, the way he carried himself...irresistible. He did mention to me, despite our unbelievable connection that he had been in a five year relationship, single for a month, than had hopped into 4 year relationship. He was newly single and clearly enjoying that. Despite the red flags he proudly showed to me, I didn't care. I thought this was different. The connection was strong. The first night we ever kissed he told me he had been waiting for lips like mine for 28 years. Those kinds of comments never ended (in fact, they still haven't). I couldn't control myself. We went out again that Saturday night, and it was amazing. He was the man both on paper and in real life I had dreamt of. He also had a great advantage to Max as he was more established in his work, better looking and very, very funny.

Unfortunately my dating life seems to follow Murphy's Law, so the next day everything changed with Mr. Big #2.

Just walk away...

Pick-up lines that just won't do...Part 1

• "Are you in an all girl rock band?"
• "You look really good in yellow" as he passes you by at a bar...and that's all he says
• "Do you like minivans?" (I am really attracted to guys that drive the same kind of car as my mom...sexy start)
• "Are you looking for a boyfriend or a personal jester?" (online, in reference to the fact that I wrote that I'm looking for a funny guy in my dating profile)
• "Are you Jewish? Let me guess your last name."
• "Ahoy!" (I wish I didn't have a personal experience to go along with this one)
• "I am perfect. Date me or die!" (A tad too threatening for me.)
• "Hey girl, hey." I have enough gay friends...I don't need a gay boyfriend.
• "I'll give you $50 bucks if you go out with me" Gotta love that confidence.
• "Fascinating lip color."

The new generation of dating....

With every new generation, come changes in how people interact and socialize. Dating is no exception to this. In the 1930s and '40s it would have been unheard of for a woman to be respected if she didn't have a deep desire to marry and become a wholesome wife with children. The 1950s and '60s was the age of the white picket fence, perfect house with the beautiful family--the husband that is successful and the wife that is beautiful.  Except, if you have seen Mad Men, or better yet talked to anyone that was alive in that era, you know it was not perfect. Women were suppressed most of the time, in that they couldn't have their own careers, and even if they chose to do so, it was very difficult for them to succeed. Therefore, their lives revolved around taking care of their children and husband, when he would arrive home from work at 6pm on the spot. 

Once the 197os hit, the American woman changed forever. She was more liberated and sex was the least taboo it had ever been in our society. Suddenly the modern woman could do what (and who) she truly wanted to do. Not everyone adapted this mindset and progressive way of being, but many took to it, and it changed how men and women interacted and had relationships forever. The woman was no longer the submissive partner that was assumed to stay at home with the children while the husband goes off to his career and is able to enjoy another aspect to his life. It was easier for the woman to become equally educated and therefore she could get a decent job and not feel pressured into being married at such a young age. 

Fast forward to the 2000s and the young woman is even more progressed. But, in my opinion, what has taken a negative turn is dating and the standards for which relationships are based off of. The young men of today aren't old enough to remember the time when a man would always have to pick up the girl for a date, meet her family, be extremely respectful, and act in the way of what the older generation did to court a woman into a relationship or marriage. Now, it has all become too casual. I touched on this in my post about online dating. I can say to be fair in my argument that I would be confused if I was a young man dating, especially in New York. 


One of the problems is that sex is too talked about and overexposed now. (I think we can agree upon this since certain clothing stores are now selling push-up bikini tops to tweens.) The young man thinks women care about sex just as much, and that they aren't necessarily looking for something too serious. But no matter what a woman says, if she is interested in you, she has the idea of marriage or at least a monogamous relationship in the back of her mind. The young women is confused in different ways though, as we are over sexualized in our society, so we often feel we have to convey that side to a man early on, even if we don't really feel comfortable doing so. And what happens is that actually drives them away from thinking that it will become any significant or serious in the future. The rules are fuzzy. What is the happy medium of courting, having sex, and building something meaningful?


To add more complications, the young modern woman wants to be able to be the CEO of a major corporation just as much as she wants to be a wife and mother. Okay, well then how is a man supposed to know how to treat her!? It's very confusing. We must remember that business is a completely different aspect of life from dating and relationships. How you treat a woman at the workplace should be quite different from how you treat a woman you are trying to impress and become a couple with (or whatever your end goal is). This is where the young man gets lost.  I suggest taking some pointers from the past generations who had to work hard to not only succeed in business but also in finding a woman to love and care for him.

The different kind of online shopping...

After experimenting in online dating firsthand, I have come to the conclusion that it's quite similar to online shopping. Online shopping was created for those of us who can be described as impulsive (hey, when I see a beautiful pair of shoes discounted online, I can't help myself either), lacking an attention span ("ooh, look at that! and what about those!"), or just flat-out unsure of what we even really want or if we really even need anything. Making the connection to online dating is simple. 


Being on an online dating website, I have noticed trends for men's behaviors. I'm sure it's not just one-sided, but sorry men, I don't have many straight women communicating with me on the site, so please excuse me on this. Men can go through the women by using a helpful "match search" feature on the site, and with that, they are able to look at hundreds of women within minutes. You may think that's not so different than just being out on the street or in a crowded bar in New York, but there's a discrepancy. When you see an intriguing woman at a bar, there isn't a button you can push that will give you her age, what she studied in college, her religion, her politics, her favorite movies, her favorite quotes, her political affiliation....it goes on and on. (I can't believe how much people are willing to divulge on these sites....but that's a whole other topic). Also, when you see that pretty woman at the bar, you have to use your imagination in trying to picture her half-naked. On dating sites, women offer that up in their "picture section". A photo of her at the beach I'm sure she is just dying to put on there because she's wearing a swimsuit from the newest Escada bikini line...we all know men always notice fashion! (I know you've heard your mother say "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free"....it's' an oldie but a goodie). Once a man sees you in a swimsuit and that you're a Quaker who loves chick flicks and he's a Presbyterian who never misses a Scorsese film (okay, probably not the most common example, but you get the point), then just like that, he could possibly no longer be interested. 


When you're online shopping or online dating, you can so easily reject things right off the bat. "I wish those boots were caramel instead of brown"...."I wish that girl liked football!" NEXT! Moving on! It's so easy. 


What men also do is develop a cart, just like people do when they shop online. These are the items (or girls) that they are somewhat interested, but not completely ready to buy (or ask out). We, as shoppers, may go back a few times and look at the product to see if we think the price is good and that it's made well. The guy will message the girl and participate in small talk. What the determining factor is on whether to buy or ask out can be different for everyone. The point is that it can be one little thing that might turn a person away. Should we all be so quick to judge!? How can we tell if a pair of brown boots will look just as good or that a girl could develop a liking for football? The truth is that the cart is a great thing for material items. I am guilty of using it and I think to myself "I'll come back to this site in two days and buy those shoes if I still am thinking about them".  And I usually never do. When we develop the same behaviors for people, is when it becomes a problem. Some men put you in their cart and then days later forget about you, for a reason you'll never understand. It's as if you had a very short cyber affair. You flirted, you conversed, and that was it.  We all need to give people more of a chance or we shouldn't put them in our "cart". Does anyone ever really know if they can hit it off with someone based on some general facts and a handful of pictures? Online dating has allowed people to never feel satisfied nor feel like a person is just right. Well guess what? The great difference between online dating and online shopping is you can take that risk and go out with her....and you don't even have to pay shipping and handling to exchange it for another. 

It's not going to work out if....

• He would rather watch TV (Lost in my case) than spend time with you on Valentine's Day
• He ends the first date on a phone call and says "Hold on" to the friend he's talking to
• He is 31 and still acts as if he lives in a frat house
• He cancels a date then says it's back on then cancels again all within few hours
• He smokes pot all day, every day (as much as that's entertaining, it's not relationship-building)
• He doesn't say how amazing you look at least once the first couple times you see him
• He thinks going out once a week is too much
• He says "You wanna split this?" as he looks at the check on the first date
• He wants to meet up after 10pm (can we say booty call!?)
• He texts you for a first date (may sound traditional, but he needs to make the call or do it in-person. You need a man that will take a risk...especially on you).
• He says three weeks into dating you that he is "not emotionally capable of this right now". (What is this? We're three weeks in!)
• He leaves to go pack for a vacation when you're about to have surgery
• He has more than a handful of drinks on your first date
• He doesn't hold the door for you (come on, that should be a no-brainer!)
• He has never lived anywhere besides New York City and thinks there is nothing outside of it
• He is from Staten Island
• He is married
• He just wants to communicate via text, email, or any other online form of communication
• He makes you do anything you don't want to do
• He just sees you for you for "physical fun"
• He lacks normal manners
• He doesn't want to introduce you to any of his friends...ever
• He tries to feel you up during the movies on a first date when you haven't even had a real conversation yet
• He says keeping up with politics or current events isn't really "his thing"
• His name is Anthony (just trust me on this one)
• He says right off the bat that he isn't really looking to date (then it leaves you thinking...why are we on a date then!?)
• He's never willing to watch any sports
• He has any problem you consciously have to try to ignore 

If there is anything you think that's missing from this, please let me know. This is a work-in-progress. I can confidently say I'll be adding to this.

The beginning...

My life, like anyone's, is full of ups and downs, times I want to remember forever and others I want to immediately forget. We usually don't have control over this, and we also usually don't have much control over who we fall in love with. Love is complicated but dating...that's a whole other story! That is something we can in fact control (I promise to explain later on) but at the same time it can give us experiences we never would expect. I wouldn't have thought at such a young age I would have so much experience in what we call dating...I guess that's New York for ya. In my five short years here, I have learned more about myself and more about what I want out of life than some people ever will. As ridiculous as it may be to quote an actress, I'm going to do it, because once a woman (or man) adapts this mindset, it'll make the whole experience of dating so much easier:

"I don't need a man* to rectify my existence. The most profound relationship we'll ever have is the one with ourselves." - Shirley MacLaine

You either get that statement or you don't and I'm not sure if just reading it will make you understand. Unfortunately in life, we usually have to go through everything ourselves to really understand and grow. With that said, I am dedicating this blog to all of the experiences and knowledge I have gained being in New York thus far. I wanted to make this first post somewhat serious and sentimental, and I might occasionally have that tone from time to time, but this is meant to be a funny and light perspective on how people make dating a bigger deal than it needs to be. So, with that said (or shall I say written) lighten up, relax and take the advice from Ms. MacLaine. It's what happens in our life that makes it so great; not the final destination.

*men=replace man with woman