The Musician...Part 1.

"Is it weird that I think he's cute!?" I said at the Knitting Factory, what felt like a lifetime ago, to my friend. He wasn't the type of guy that you'd see on the street and want to take a second glance at. But, being a bit quirky and offbeat person as well, my friend just nodded no, seeming supportive. I then remembered, against my heart's wishing, that I tend to find musicians attractive even when they aren't necessarily so. (Though, to my defense, I realize many women have this weakness as well. I, probably even more so, as I grew up playing the drums and was constantly surrounded by musicians). There was something about this keyboard player though...his energy and smile. I admired him for the rest of his band's set but thought that would be the end of that.

After the show was over, my friend and I went to retrieve our belongings from the coat check, downstairs. While coming up the tiny spiral stairs, I realized he was walking down at the very same moment. Looking back, I don't know how I had this amount of courage, (or as probably more accurately and not-so generously put, groupie moment), but right when he passed by me, I stated to him,"You're cute!"  He laughed at first before making eye contact, only to become flattered by the random compliment. He began talking to me, but being a dumb 20-year old, I became so embarrassed over my actions that I just said I had to go, and I left with my confused friend, who was probably mouthing an apology as I dragged her quickly away.

The next day, I decided to look up his band online, both because I actually liked their music, but more so I wanted to know his name and any other information I could gather. My friend reminded me of the name of his band (which I will leave out for this) so I googled ahead. By process of elimination with the members in the band and the instruments they played, I figured out his name and laughed instantly. He had the same last name as me (which I will tell you is not common) but with one little difference. Between my already humiliating moment with him and this funny coincidence, I decided I couldn't pass this chance up. I then googled just his name, to then have his Facebook page come up. I decided, what the hell, let me message him and see what he says. He either thinks I'm nuts or a groupie, anyway. 

He responded, and with quite good reception too. I then neurotically became worried about what he thought I wanted out of this, but a few days later, met up with him on the Upper West Side, which at the time was a foreign neighborhood to me, but what I now call home. After sharing an appetizer, I knew I was interested. To this day, he is probably the funniest guy I've ever dated. (Plus he was a musician!). In my naive state of dating, the fact that he had his own apartment, was older, went to Berklee for music and was Jewish, qualified him enough to date. However, looking back in retrospect, it was a very ridiculous chapter of dating in my life. 

I would go up to his Washington Heights apartment 2-3 times a month for several months. At the time, I had no option to have him come to me, as I was living in a dorm...on Staten Island. The treck from practically New Jersey to practically the Bronx seemed worth it to me. I recall the first time I went over there, him opening the door and it reeking of marijuana. 

As a current college student this did not turn me off, but instead felt familiar, though looking back, he was too many years out of college for it. We would sit on the couch, watching movies, laughing, and talking. "Want some?" as he lit up. I said "No thanks". He replied "Good, more for me".  Even in that moment as he looked at me and giggled with a drug-infusioned empty stare, I knew me being there was ridiculous.

These are my options!?

It seems as though young women in New York have two choices for men. We can have the man that is so consumed with his career that he doesn't have time to emotionally involve himself in his extracurricular affairs. He is set on a goal, but unfortunately you are not it. He has a precise idea as to where he wants to be in his career, yet he has no idea what he wants from the women he dates. He may try to make you feel like you are the only one he is interested in, but that will not last. That phase for this man lasts as long as the milk in one's fridge. It is the epitome of sexy and exciting, but the woman knows in the back of her mind it will not last. However, it is thrilling because it's like a high from a drug. It is fleeting, as this man will realize he doesn't have the emotional threshold to last in this stage with a woman for more than a couple months. Maybe three, if you are lucky. Why we keep picking these men can not be explained. It may be our unconscious way of getting into something that will clearly not go anywhere, so we veer from becoming too emotionally attached, on a real adult level. One can be in lust or really like and care for a man, but if we do not both dive into something in such a genuine and mature way, than we are bound to not get as hurt as we would otherwise.
To have the simple man, who is soaked in availability and reliability, is a very different experience. The woman that seeks this man doesn't want to play games, and in turn doesn't want a challenge as well. The challenge part of dating is what makes our stomachs flips, our emotions to go crazy. Taking away the challenge, takes away the excitement. It is not exciting to have a man lay out all his cards for you from an early stage. What we question in this is, is if he is willing to be open and available like this with any woman. Women need to feel special, so that is why we go for the former (horrible) guys. No, that can't be why! It's because the career man, the man who has charisma and strength has this ability to make you feel so special and solely worthy of his attention, that is hard to pass up. It is fleeting though as the next great girl that comes along will get that same reception. It is simply passed off like a baton.


When one really thinks about this, it doesn't make too much sense. "I will go for the man who doesn't want to jump for me, but I will not go for the man who is willing to jump". The problem is, we don't say that sentence to ourselves while we're in it. I might be daring and propose we aren't analytical enough. Anyone who realizes a pattern of going for emotionally disengaged men and then in turn not being interested in the "relationship guy" is quite masochistic. Maybe it isn't analyzing; maybe it's just being coherent. It could almost suggest in a way these types of girls are commitment-phobes in their own. If a woman constantly goes for the wrong kind of guy, what can she expect? What does that say about her? To get out of this pattern is quite difficult. We can say the unavailable man needs to grow up and realize what's really important, but we could say the same thing for some women. 

The Wine And Diner...

Let's call him Carl. Although, he could be called any name, as this type of man is not uncommon. Carl is the guy that peaks on the first date, so much so that he feels he can't live up to it again and therefore you never hear from him again. He wants to go for drinks, dinner, dessert, and any other activity he can think of under the sun to schmooze you. The Carl type will not hesitate to order a bottle, and root for you to have the most expensive entree on the menu.  He usually doesn't want the date to end, again probably because he knows that this will be it. He makes you feel like a princess and like you are the only girl in the room. Carl will drop hundreds of dollars just for an ego boost in return. While on the date you are elated and on a high, imagining in your head your life with this man. Once the date has to inevitably come to an end, he usually will be respectful and not want to sleep with you (or at least say that).

 After going on a few dates with the "Carl" type, I realized another attribute to this man is that he is boring. He is usually insecure, as he is self-aware of his dullness, so he has discovered a tricky, but very fleeting way, to mask this monotony. When you go home that night you are ecstatic, eager to hear from him again and to have another night of your life. But so it plays out, you do not hear from Carl. Not even usually a "your welcome" in response to your text telling him that you had a great night and you wanted to thank him (yes, that has happened to me). He does the disappearing act, and all too soon. As mentioned, he doesn't even get an orgasm out of it, so why does he go through this routine? Because like a lead-off hitter, he knows that is all that he can do, but he enjoys being on the high with you for that short amount of time.

The Mr. Big, Part 3

Max came back into my life so unforeseen, even to the keenest eye.  I hadn't thought about him for what seemed like years.  When I opened my blackberry to discover a new email, I thought "Who is this?!" and then after realization that it was from my original Mr. Big, I justly thought it was an accident....something sent to me by him typing in the wrong "To" address. Then I saw the subject of the email, which was so cleverly picked as "So hi". I then knew what this would be. I received at it work, and I couldn't contain my shock. I had to reread it many times over. It was as follow:
 
"I had this New York moment Saturday morning that reminded me of you, and also reminded me that we haven't spoken in forever and I should (as well as want) to say hi and see how you're doing. So how are you? I'm trying to take all the awkwardness out of this email but I don't see a way around it so I guess I'll just plunge right in...I miss talking to you. Wanna get together sometime soon to catch up?"


I was tousled in different emotions. On the one hand, after how he treated me when we dated before, I couldn't believe he had the chutzpah to write to me in this casual style. On the other hand, I was enthralled that the time apart had completely switched the hand. Now I had it. Before, he had controlled everything, and I had been this pathetic, naive girl.  After two years, a serious relationship, and certain self-discoveries, I had the upper hand. Do I respond to this email? I could see him writing this email, going back and forth on what to say. I'm sure he questioned whether or not to even begin writing it, let alone send it. Max knew technology was on his side; the worst that could happen was for me to not give his eager email a civil response. Part of me had no interest in doing so, but the part of me that thinks everything happens for a reason (convenient female theory?....possibly) decided to respond. I tried to be casual yet vague, even noting I didn't have his number still, as that was a few phones ago. I said I'd be up for getting together, and I said to have him call me.

Later that night, he did. He was a mixture of nervous, confused, and audibly excited to be talking to me again. And part of me could feel that chemistry we once had. I asked him what the New York moment was that he claimed reminded him of me. It had nothing to do with me, and at that point I could tell he wanted this "get together" to be in a romantic way. I asked him if he had gone through his Rolodex of women and I was the name to come up this time. He laughed yet never really answered the question in a black and white way. I preceded with caution yet some excitement. 


Three days later we met for drinks in a rooftop hotel bar in Hell's Kitchen. I remembered that he was the type to always want to be a part of the trendy, posh, New York social scene. Before I saw it as sophistication and something intriguing, but this time around I saw him as a wannabe-type, trying to fit this Connecticut-born now New Yorker guy mold that I had seen a hundred times over. 


It was good that alcohol was in the mixture, as the "meet up" was altogether awkward. Not on my end; only on his. I was working doubly hard to create conversation. He didn't know what to say. I would have thought beforehand Max would have come up with certain "talking points" being that we had no communication for two years and it was clear he was trying to get me back interested in him. It was too late. I had evolved past him and although throughout it, I found certain traits appealing, like I did before, it wasn't enough for me to be in it completely. I told him I might want to see him again, but inevitably realized that even though two people can have chemistry and a connection at one point in their lives, it doesn't mean it will necessarily translate to another time. I could feel the growth in me, and the lack of it in him. This was the singular moment in my life, up to that point anyway, where a man came crawling back for me and I was strong enough to say no. I couldn't forget the past of how he treated me (although he did) but more importantly, I couldn't see enough reason for me to try to. 

The Mr. Big, Part 2

"I'm not really trying to date anyone" Jake mentioned as we lay on his bed in the morning, after a night that seemed too good to be true. (Usually that wonderful illusion lasts a little longer, but in my case, it was less than 12 hours.) He said it as if it was an "Oh, by the way..." kind of statement.  Or "Let me ruin that high you were on all last night and declare that these last few days is all in your head and more likely than not, nothing will come of it". Mr. Big (#2) had told me about his almost decade-long stint of being in very serious relationships. I should have known. What were the early signs he was looking to "just have fun and meet people"? Let's rewind....I guess it could have begun on that second night of seeing each other, a couple hours before the date, when he casually mentioned to me via text that he promised to meet up with some friends that he never gets a chance to see. I was angry and confused by this. If this was the classic Saturday second date, shouldn't I get him alone to myself for the night?! I didn't qualify for this kind of attention. I wasn't that important. When I receive this kind of message, at least in the past, I take it as a personal defect on my part. It must be me. It must be that I'm not special enough. My anger was erased by me desperately wanting this to work and to prove to him that I was, in fact, worthy of that desired attention. 

After he stated that he did not want to date (despite being on an online dating website) we talked for a long time. I recognized that after coming out of a serious relationship myself just a few months ago, maybe this was for the best. Maybe this not turning into my next relationship would in actuality be better for me. I rose above it as much as I could in that moment and said to myself (and to others that were willing to listen) that "We'll just be friends and have a great connection that could lead to something down the road". My mother even suggested it could be like a "When Harry Met Sally" kind of thing. I would soon realize that when you start out dating someone and viewed them in a romantic way, it's difficult to go back to a friendship, and then possibly forward again to dating. 

In the days following this Saturday night, we talked off and on, and we would try to "hang out" just as friends. I thought we would stick to that, but the first time he came over after we were going to try to be platonic, that plan vanished faster than I had a chance to really think about the consequences.  He came over with a bottle of wine (first ingredient in creating a recipe for disaster) and he paid for the food we ordered in at my apartment. Everything was fuzzy to me. None of my guy friends would have behaved in this way. I thought that maybe he was just being generous, as he's older and he knows I didn't have a full-time job at the time. And maybe he was, but I realized his intentions and desires very quickly. I went to get something from my bedroom and he followed me in. I asked the ridiculous questions "Can I help you?" and "What are you doing?” He didn't say anything. He just began kissing me and blocking the way to the door. I resisted as best and as long as I could, but soon gave in. It was like this drug that I know I shouldn't take, but I just couldn't resist the high of it.

We would continue our best to try to be friends and would fail at it for another month or so. I was confused when I wasn't with him, but completely content when I was. In that short span of time when it was happening, I wanted to believe it could become more, but I knew in the back of my mind, it wouldn't, as least at this moment. After he was out of town for a few weeks and we hadn't seen each other for a while, I went over to his apartment and the connection felt the same. He was making his usual charming comments such as "That dress looks amazing on you" as I sat on his couch talking. But I could tell it was different. It was if we were both on the ledge of a building, me ready to jump, and him dangling his feet off the edge. He never decided to take that jump. That was it. The window of time came and went for us, at least in this chapter. And he didn't want it. And when a man can't jump with you, it will never be. 

The Mr. Big, Part 1

To all the Sex & the City fans...you know this man is irresistible. He is charming and confident. We crumble at his smoothness and his alpha-dog character. Time after time, we are victim of it. I dated two very similar men, who fit this description to a tee. One was over two years ago; the other was a few months ago. Why didn't I pick up on this until after both "relationships" were done? Well, I will say that we tend to only notice those kinds of details until after the events already occur.

The first man, who I will call Max, was a few years older, career-oriented, and cocky. He was cocky for an unknown reason because he could have doubled as a possible horse jockey. (I must remember in New York, height requirements for some women are less particular, but not for me.) Going into this, I knew it wouldn't have worked, because at the time I was in my last year living in a college dorm and he was living in Connecticut at the time. Once, he even had the chutzpah to criticize where my dormitory was in the city, stating "I don't go above 86th street", even though he lived in Connecticut. I guess he had never looked at a map to realize that Connecticut was much farther north than East 86th street. There were so many other red flags of his arrogance and selfishness. We would have plans for a date and he would cancel hours before. Once he even canceled, and since it was the second time he did that, I was very upset with him. Then, he called back an hour later saying it was back on, only to call a third time later on, saying in fact, he couldn't make it. Why he couldn't make it, I never really understood. What I did understand was that he didn't care enough to actually see me in person. Our "dating" was reduced to IM chatting and talking on the phone. As a fresh 21-year old I didn't know this would lead to nothing. If a man doesn't want to spend time with you, it's a safe assumption to make that he's probably not that interested in it going anywhere. About a week or two later, he told me he needed to focus on his new job and he couldn't do that while dating someone.

Two years go by, and the next Mr. Big makes his first appearance. He will be referred to as Jake. Oh, was he alluring and intoxicating. The first time I ever spoke to him (which was on the phone), we talked for over four hours. It was like talking to an old friend who you really wanted to sleep with. We met the next night. The way he looked, the way he smelled, the way he carried himself...irresistible. He did mention to me, despite our unbelievable connection that he had been in a five year relationship, single for a month, than had hopped into 4 year relationship. He was newly single and clearly enjoying that. Despite the red flags he proudly showed to me, I didn't care. I thought this was different. The connection was strong. The first night we ever kissed he told me he had been waiting for lips like mine for 28 years. Those kinds of comments never ended (in fact, they still haven't). I couldn't control myself. We went out again that Saturday night, and it was amazing. He was the man both on paper and in real life I had dreamt of. He also had a great advantage to Max as he was more established in his work, better looking and very, very funny.

Unfortunately my dating life seems to follow Murphy's Law, so the next day everything changed with Mr. Big #2.

Just walk away...

Pick-up lines that just won't do...Part 1

• "Are you in an all girl rock band?"
• "You look really good in yellow" as he passes you by at a bar...and that's all he says
• "Do you like minivans?" (I am really attracted to guys that drive the same kind of car as my mom...sexy start)
• "Are you looking for a boyfriend or a personal jester?" (online, in reference to the fact that I wrote that I'm looking for a funny guy in my dating profile)
• "Are you Jewish? Let me guess your last name."
• "Ahoy!" (I wish I didn't have a personal experience to go along with this one)
• "I am perfect. Date me or die!" (A tad too threatening for me.)
• "Hey girl, hey." I have enough gay friends...I don't need a gay boyfriend.
• "I'll give you $50 bucks if you go out with me" Gotta love that confidence.
• "Fascinating lip color."