The Musician...Part 1.

"Is it weird that I think he's cute!?" I said at the Knitting Factory, what felt like a lifetime ago, to my friend. He wasn't the type of guy that you'd see on the street and want to take a second glance at. But, being a bit quirky and offbeat person as well, my friend just nodded no, seeming supportive. I then remembered, against my heart's wishing, that I tend to find musicians attractive even when they aren't necessarily so. (Though, to my defense, I realize many women have this weakness as well. I, probably even more so, as I grew up playing the drums and was constantly surrounded by musicians). There was something about this keyboard player though...his energy and smile. I admired him for the rest of his band's set but thought that would be the end of that.

After the show was over, my friend and I went to retrieve our belongings from the coat check, downstairs. While coming up the tiny spiral stairs, I realized he was walking down at the very same moment. Looking back, I don't know how I had this amount of courage, (or as probably more accurately and not-so generously put, groupie moment), but right when he passed by me, I stated to him,"You're cute!"  He laughed at first before making eye contact, only to become flattered by the random compliment. He began talking to me, but being a dumb 20-year old, I became so embarrassed over my actions that I just said I had to go, and I left with my confused friend, who was probably mouthing an apology as I dragged her quickly away.

The next day, I decided to look up his band online, both because I actually liked their music, but more so I wanted to know his name and any other information I could gather. My friend reminded me of the name of his band (which I will leave out for this) so I googled ahead. By process of elimination with the members in the band and the instruments they played, I figured out his name and laughed instantly. He had the same last name as me (which I will tell you is not common) but with one little difference. Between my already humiliating moment with him and this funny coincidence, I decided I couldn't pass this chance up. I then googled just his name, to then have his Facebook page come up. I decided, what the hell, let me message him and see what he says. He either thinks I'm nuts or a groupie, anyway. 

He responded, and with quite good reception too. I then neurotically became worried about what he thought I wanted out of this, but a few days later, met up with him on the Upper West Side, which at the time was a foreign neighborhood to me, but what I now call home. After sharing an appetizer, I knew I was interested. To this day, he is probably the funniest guy I've ever dated. (Plus he was a musician!). In my naive state of dating, the fact that he had his own apartment, was older, went to Berklee for music and was Jewish, qualified him enough to date. However, looking back in retrospect, it was a very ridiculous chapter of dating in my life. 

I would go up to his Washington Heights apartment 2-3 times a month for several months. At the time, I had no option to have him come to me, as I was living in a dorm...on Staten Island. The treck from practically New Jersey to practically the Bronx seemed worth it to me. I recall the first time I went over there, him opening the door and it reeking of marijuana. 

As a current college student this did not turn me off, but instead felt familiar, though looking back, he was too many years out of college for it. We would sit on the couch, watching movies, laughing, and talking. "Want some?" as he lit up. I said "No thanks". He replied "Good, more for me".  Even in that moment as he looked at me and giggled with a drug-infusioned empty stare, I knew me being there was ridiculous.

These are my options!?

It seems as though young women in New York have two choices for men. We can have the man that is so consumed with his career that he doesn't have time to emotionally involve himself in his extracurricular affairs. He is set on a goal, but unfortunately you are not it. He has a precise idea as to where he wants to be in his career, yet he has no idea what he wants from the women he dates. He may try to make you feel like you are the only one he is interested in, but that will not last. That phase for this man lasts as long as the milk in one's fridge. It is the epitome of sexy and exciting, but the woman knows in the back of her mind it will not last. However, it is thrilling because it's like a high from a drug. It is fleeting, as this man will realize he doesn't have the emotional threshold to last in this stage with a woman for more than a couple months. Maybe three, if you are lucky. Why we keep picking these men can not be explained. It may be our unconscious way of getting into something that will clearly not go anywhere, so we veer from becoming too emotionally attached, on a real adult level. One can be in lust or really like and care for a man, but if we do not both dive into something in such a genuine and mature way, than we are bound to not get as hurt as we would otherwise.
To have the simple man, who is soaked in availability and reliability, is a very different experience. The woman that seeks this man doesn't want to play games, and in turn doesn't want a challenge as well. The challenge part of dating is what makes our stomachs flips, our emotions to go crazy. Taking away the challenge, takes away the excitement. It is not exciting to have a man lay out all his cards for you from an early stage. What we question in this is, is if he is willing to be open and available like this with any woman. Women need to feel special, so that is why we go for the former (horrible) guys. No, that can't be why! It's because the career man, the man who has charisma and strength has this ability to make you feel so special and solely worthy of his attention, that is hard to pass up. It is fleeting though as the next great girl that comes along will get that same reception. It is simply passed off like a baton.


When one really thinks about this, it doesn't make too much sense. "I will go for the man who doesn't want to jump for me, but I will not go for the man who is willing to jump". The problem is, we don't say that sentence to ourselves while we're in it. I might be daring and propose we aren't analytical enough. Anyone who realizes a pattern of going for emotionally disengaged men and then in turn not being interested in the "relationship guy" is quite masochistic. Maybe it isn't analyzing; maybe it's just being coherent. It could almost suggest in a way these types of girls are commitment-phobes in their own. If a woman constantly goes for the wrong kind of guy, what can she expect? What does that say about her? To get out of this pattern is quite difficult. We can say the unavailable man needs to grow up and realize what's really important, but we could say the same thing for some women.