The Mr. Big, Part 2

"I'm not really trying to date anyone" Jake mentioned as we lay on his bed in the morning, after a night that seemed too good to be true. (Usually that wonderful illusion lasts a little longer, but in my case, it was less than 12 hours.) He said it as if it was an "Oh, by the way..." kind of statement.  Or "Let me ruin that high you were on all last night and declare that these last few days is all in your head and more likely than not, nothing will come of it". Mr. Big (#2) had told me about his almost decade-long stint of being in very serious relationships. I should have known. What were the early signs he was looking to "just have fun and meet people"? Let's rewind....I guess it could have begun on that second night of seeing each other, a couple hours before the date, when he casually mentioned to me via text that he promised to meet up with some friends that he never gets a chance to see. I was angry and confused by this. If this was the classic Saturday second date, shouldn't I get him alone to myself for the night?! I didn't qualify for this kind of attention. I wasn't that important. When I receive this kind of message, at least in the past, I take it as a personal defect on my part. It must be me. It must be that I'm not special enough. My anger was erased by me desperately wanting this to work and to prove to him that I was, in fact, worthy of that desired attention. 

After he stated that he did not want to date (despite being on an online dating website) we talked for a long time. I recognized that after coming out of a serious relationship myself just a few months ago, maybe this was for the best. Maybe this not turning into my next relationship would in actuality be better for me. I rose above it as much as I could in that moment and said to myself (and to others that were willing to listen) that "We'll just be friends and have a great connection that could lead to something down the road". My mother even suggested it could be like a "When Harry Met Sally" kind of thing. I would soon realize that when you start out dating someone and viewed them in a romantic way, it's difficult to go back to a friendship, and then possibly forward again to dating. 

In the days following this Saturday night, we talked off and on, and we would try to "hang out" just as friends. I thought we would stick to that, but the first time he came over after we were going to try to be platonic, that plan vanished faster than I had a chance to really think about the consequences.  He came over with a bottle of wine (first ingredient in creating a recipe for disaster) and he paid for the food we ordered in at my apartment. Everything was fuzzy to me. None of my guy friends would have behaved in this way. I thought that maybe he was just being generous, as he's older and he knows I didn't have a full-time job at the time. And maybe he was, but I realized his intentions and desires very quickly. I went to get something from my bedroom and he followed me in. I asked the ridiculous questions "Can I help you?" and "What are you doing?” He didn't say anything. He just began kissing me and blocking the way to the door. I resisted as best and as long as I could, but soon gave in. It was like this drug that I know I shouldn't take, but I just couldn't resist the high of it.

We would continue our best to try to be friends and would fail at it for another month or so. I was confused when I wasn't with him, but completely content when I was. In that short span of time when it was happening, I wanted to believe it could become more, but I knew in the back of my mind, it wouldn't, as least at this moment. After he was out of town for a few weeks and we hadn't seen each other for a while, I went over to his apartment and the connection felt the same. He was making his usual charming comments such as "That dress looks amazing on you" as I sat on his couch talking. But I could tell it was different. It was if we were both on the ledge of a building, me ready to jump, and him dangling his feet off the edge. He never decided to take that jump. That was it. The window of time came and went for us, at least in this chapter. And he didn't want it. And when a man can't jump with you, it will never be. 

The Mr. Big, Part 1

To all the Sex & the City fans...you know this man is irresistible. He is charming and confident. We crumble at his smoothness and his alpha-dog character. Time after time, we are victim of it. I dated two very similar men, who fit this description to a tee. One was over two years ago; the other was a few months ago. Why didn't I pick up on this until after both "relationships" were done? Well, I will say that we tend to only notice those kinds of details until after the events already occur.

The first man, who I will call Max, was a few years older, career-oriented, and cocky. He was cocky for an unknown reason because he could have doubled as a possible horse jockey. (I must remember in New York, height requirements for some women are less particular, but not for me.) Going into this, I knew it wouldn't have worked, because at the time I was in my last year living in a college dorm and he was living in Connecticut at the time. Once, he even had the chutzpah to criticize where my dormitory was in the city, stating "I don't go above 86th street", even though he lived in Connecticut. I guess he had never looked at a map to realize that Connecticut was much farther north than East 86th street. There were so many other red flags of his arrogance and selfishness. We would have plans for a date and he would cancel hours before. Once he even canceled, and since it was the second time he did that, I was very upset with him. Then, he called back an hour later saying it was back on, only to call a third time later on, saying in fact, he couldn't make it. Why he couldn't make it, I never really understood. What I did understand was that he didn't care enough to actually see me in person. Our "dating" was reduced to IM chatting and talking on the phone. As a fresh 21-year old I didn't know this would lead to nothing. If a man doesn't want to spend time with you, it's a safe assumption to make that he's probably not that interested in it going anywhere. About a week or two later, he told me he needed to focus on his new job and he couldn't do that while dating someone.

Two years go by, and the next Mr. Big makes his first appearance. He will be referred to as Jake. Oh, was he alluring and intoxicating. The first time I ever spoke to him (which was on the phone), we talked for over four hours. It was like talking to an old friend who you really wanted to sleep with. We met the next night. The way he looked, the way he smelled, the way he carried himself...irresistible. He did mention to me, despite our unbelievable connection that he had been in a five year relationship, single for a month, than had hopped into 4 year relationship. He was newly single and clearly enjoying that. Despite the red flags he proudly showed to me, I didn't care. I thought this was different. The connection was strong. The first night we ever kissed he told me he had been waiting for lips like mine for 28 years. Those kinds of comments never ended (in fact, they still haven't). I couldn't control myself. We went out again that Saturday night, and it was amazing. He was the man both on paper and in real life I had dreamt of. He also had a great advantage to Max as he was more established in his work, better looking and very, very funny.

Unfortunately my dating life seems to follow Murphy's Law, so the next day everything changed with Mr. Big #2.