Max came back into my life so unforeseen, even to the keenest eye. I hadn't thought about him for what seemed like years. When I opened my blackberry to discover a new email, I thought "Who is this?!" and then after realization that it was from my original Mr. Big, I justly thought it was an accident....something sent to me by him typing in the wrong "To" address. Then I saw the subject of the email, which was so cleverly picked as "So hi". I then knew what this would be. I received at it work, and I couldn't contain my shock. I had to reread it many times over. It was as follow:
"I had this New York moment Saturday morning that reminded me of you, and also reminded me that we haven't spoken in forever and I should (as well as want) to say hi and see how you're doing. So how are you? I'm trying to take all the awkwardness out of this email but I don't see a way around it so I guess I'll just plunge right in...I miss talking to you. Wanna get together sometime soon to catch up?"
I was tousled in different emotions. On the one hand, after how he treated me when we dated before, I couldn't believe he had the chutzpah to write to me in this casual style. On the other hand, I was enthralled that the time apart had completely switched the hand. Now I had it. Before, he had controlled everything, and I had been this pathetic, naive girl. After two years, a serious relationship, and certain self-discoveries, I had the upper hand. Do I respond to this email? I could see him writing this email, going back and forth on what to say. I'm sure he questioned whether or not to even begin writing it, let alone send it. Max knew technology was on his side; the worst that could happen was for me to not give his eager email a civil response. Part of me had no interest in doing so, but the part of me that thinks everything happens for a reason (convenient female theory?....possibly) decided to respond. I tried to be casual yet vague, even noting I didn't have his number still, as that was a few phones ago. I said I'd be up for getting together, and I said to have him call me.
Later that night, he did. He was a mixture of nervous, confused, and audibly excited to be talking to me again. And part of me could feel that chemistry we once had. I asked him what the New York moment was that he claimed reminded him of me. It had nothing to do with me, and at that point I could tell he wanted this "get together" to be in a romantic way. I asked him if he had gone through his Rolodex of women and I was the name to come up this time. He laughed yet never really answered the question in a black and white way. I preceded with caution yet some excitement.
Three days later we met for drinks in a rooftop hotel bar in Hell's Kitchen. I remembered that he was the type to always want to be a part of the trendy, posh, New York social scene. Before I saw it as sophistication and something intriguing, but this time around I saw him as a wannabe-type, trying to fit this Connecticut-born now New Yorker guy mold that I had seen a hundred times over.
It was good that alcohol was in the mixture, as the "meet up" was altogether awkward. Not on my end; only on his. I was working doubly hard to create conversation. He didn't know what to say. I would have thought beforehand Max would have come up with certain "talking points" being that we had no communication for two years and it was clear he was trying to get me back interested in him. It was too late. I had evolved past him and although throughout it, I found certain traits appealing, like I did before, it wasn't enough for me to be in it completely. I told him I might want to see him again, but inevitably realized that even though two people can have chemistry and a connection at one point in their lives, it doesn't mean it will necessarily translate to another time. I could feel the growth in me, and the lack of it in him. This was the singular moment in my life, up to that point anyway, where a man came crawling back for me and I was strong enough to say no. I couldn't forget the past of how he treated me (although he did) but more importantly, I couldn't see enough reason for me to try to.
